


Scheiße

by turbo_cows



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: M/M, TW: Drugs, also, basically noiz drags koujaku to germany, noijaku, they basically fuck and smoke and get high in this chapter eeey, they're ruining my life tbh, this is a lot of a self-discovery fiction tho, tw: smoke, yeah i really like germany sO RR Y
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 18:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2591120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turbo_cows/pseuds/turbo_cows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noiz starts to feel suddently, and he's afraid he's not able to live by his own with his new sense cognition.<br/>That's why he asks for help to Koujaku, embedding him in a sticky situation that will change them both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reckless decisions

**Author's Note:**

> This took me so long wow! Another NoiJaku fiction because why not?  
> This one is a bit longer, that's why I decided to spit it in three chapters.  
> I really hope you like it!

It was almost 3 am.

He was scared, now. For once in his life, for once after he left his parents, his childhood, his past behind, he felt afraid again. He couldn’t breathe regularly, now, no, he couldn’t even think straight. All he could do was staring at his hands, soaking in blood, his fingers covered in scars, as his heart started racing, his legs started shaking. That was the moment he hated the most, the moment when every shadow started living, moving, running towards him. The moment when the voices in his head started to yell at him, screaming, echoing. It always happened to him when he was younger, they called his name, they surrounded him with noise. Wasn’t that the reason why he liked that name so much? The reason why he decided to change his name, the name that bitch of his mother gave him, with Noiz? Noiz, noise was the only thing he was sure he could feel. But now it was different. He watched his hands, blood dripping from his palms, covered in cuts, and found out something he never thought could’ve happened. His skin wasn’t numb anymore. His wrists weren’t as steady as they used to be.

His body wasn’t sensless.

In that moment, he was sure what he was feeling was pain.

He was feeling a pain that made his eyes tear up, not sure if for joy or shock, a pain that made his wrists almost cold, a pain that made his knees weak and let him fall to the ground. He wasn’t sure how it happened. He was looking at himself in the mirror, once again, trying to wash away blood and tiredness and regret of his continue street fights. His face wasn’t how he wanted it to be. He wanted soft, almost tender features, but his were sharp, pointy. He wanted eyes that could confort, but his glance was cold, it could pierce people’s soul if he wanted it to. He was angry, angry with himself, angry with the wrong, cold world. Angry with all the people that he ever met, with everyone who ever talked to him, everyone who ever tried to break his walls. The only way he knew to fight anger was violence, and if his anger was his reflection in the mirror, the only way to dissolve it was destroy it. It wasn’t the first mirror he ever broke, but before now, none of the scars ever felt painful. When his fist beat the surface, the impact was so strong it made it impossible for him to don’t withdraw his hand, as it dripped red. Now he could feel it. But he wasn’t happy, he wasn’t relieved, he wasn’t satisfied. He was scared, he was insecure and terrified. He rushed to the kitchen, where his medical kit was, and opened it with shaking hands: he tried to find something to stop the blood flow, paralyze that pain he already hated. All he found was some hydrogen peroxide and a few bandaids, and all he could do was, after washing away blood from his wounds, was throw some peroxide on them and wrap them tightly with bands, hoping this would’ve stopped the bleeding. After some other medications he tried to work out, Noiz took a deep breath and walked to his bedroom, where his cold, empty bed was waiting for him to confort him in its loneliness. He tried breathing normally, but it was hard, and he felt like he had a weight on his chest he coudln’t get off. How much he would’ve loved to say he was okay, he felt human, he felt normal. The thruth was, he wasn’t feeling human, just more vulnerable. And after a whole life trying to figure out what being “ _normal_ ” really meant, now he got it, he was too scared of it for being happy about it. He decided to lay in his bed, trying to chill, but it felt colder as ever and his hands still hurt a lot.

What could he do? Could he say it to Aoba? Could he tell the whole world what he was feeling? What kind of things could’ve been happening from that moment on to him, to his “ _painless blond rhyme-dude_ ” reputation? It was too much to handle. He sighed, and rolled on the other side of the bed. He got up, and dressed as fast as he could, thinking that maybe a nice walk could’ve helped him thinking about something else: as he reached his door’s knob, a terrible fear started creeping in his heart. The world outside, he didn’t know how it really was. He always lived in it without thinking about what really was dangerous, he always did what the hell the wanted to do without being worried for his own safety. But how could he know, how could he be able to know what really was harmful? There was just one thing he could do, now: trying to find someone who could've helped him understanding.

He stepped outside, and it already felt weird feeling the freezing wind against his skin. He took a deep breath, and started walking without really knowing where he was going. There wasn’t much people around, but as usual the few ones that saw him and recognized his face started walking as fast as they could to avoid nonchalantly the possibility of a random Rhyme attack. The thruth was, now he wasn’t feeling like playing Rhyme at all, even if that was quite unusual to him. He walked for a few minutes, and right after he walked around a corner he heard someone's voice. No, wait, that wasn't a person. They were two people, and they seemed kinda angry at eachother. His curiosity, as usual, was more acute than his discretion, so he decided to get closer and nonchalantly listen to their row. One was a voice he knew, he knew it well: just listening to it made his nerves skin-deep. Wasn’t it the old man? The other sounded like a girl, a kinda annoying girl with a high-pitched voice, he had no idea who she was. He thought he heard a slap, and though his conciousness was telling him to go away, his more curious-self was holding him back. -I don’t want to have anything to do with you!-, said the girl. –Nobody asked you to!-, the old man replied. And he heard another slap. Now, it was too much. He walked towards the alley the voices came from, and with his heart racing and fists firmly closed, he looked in. What he saw wasn’t exactly what he thought was happening. He didn’t mean he never saw the old man passionatly kissing with a girl as she was grabbing his butt cheeks, but that scene was so terribly different from the one he had in his mind he felt such an embarassment he had to recoil and look away as he blushed heavily. - _Drecksau_ -, he mumbled to himself as he tried to wash away the memory of such a fake straight skank.

Obviously the old man saw him with his eye's corner, and he couldn't ignore the mishaps he should've levied to him to shut his mouth about it. That was the moment when Koujaku decided to walk away from the alley and follow Noiz, just to be sure he didn't have in his mind to tell the whole Midorjima what he was doing, with a very obviously minor girl. The blonde boy felt someone grabbing his wrist, but unlike the other times, he didn’t turn to punch them or replied harshly, no. He just stood there, hoping it was just the old man and not someone who could’ve _actually hurt him a lot_.

–Hey, brat.-, the voice said, fulfilling the youngest’s hopes. –What do you think you’re doing now?-. Noiz didn’t turn to see him, he just stood there, looking at the ground, breathing quietly, meanwhile inside his chest an earthquake was shaking him in fear. –Hey!-, the older called him back, but he still didn’t reply. Upset, Koujaku grabbed the other’s shoulder, turning his face to him. –I’m not doing anything.-, Noiz replied, trying to seem as normal as possible as the man’s grab was filling his body with pain. –Listen, if you tell someone what you saw I swear I’m-, -No, no listen. I _don’t care_. I don’t mind who you bring to bed honestly and even more shamelessly I don’t want to know anything about it. Let me go.-. The older seemed to let go of his shoulder a bit, as he noticed the other’s hands shaking lightly. Even in those green, pointy eyes, there wasn’t a cold, dead gaze, there was almost a light feeling of fear. –Are you okay?-, he asked, with a different tone. Noiz looked up at him in his eyes, and couldn’t hide a certain nervousness. –Don’t even pretend to care, old fart.-, he replied, trying to be cold as usual. –Did you just call me _old fart_?-, -Yes. Yes, I did, something’s wrong with it?-. He knew he wasn’t supposed to play with fire, but that stupid man always found a way to make him lose his control. Noiz saw it in the other’s eyes, he wasn’t supposed to say that. The world set in slow motion as Koujaku closed his fist and violently hit the younger in his stomach, so hard he felt his own knuckles hurt after that. What happened in the following minute, God knows. He didn’t remember much more than another punch, a kick, a violent wallop, but he was sure there was more than that. Noiz felt the pain rushing through his body as he kneed to the ground, holding his arms around his ribs as he bent, his head on the ground. The older didn’t expect that, at all: all the other times he did something like that, the blonde boy didn’t even pant, and just kept staring at him with his cold gaze, and hit him back even more violently. It was like a game they played together, even if they both got hurt from it, it was what kept them satisfied. Koujaku kneed to the ground, as he put his hands lightly on the other’s shoulders: -Hey, are you ok Noiz?-. Did he just call him by his name? It seemed incredible to believe, but it was true. It was hard to breathe now, it was really tiring just trying to. He slowly raised his head, his eyes met with Koujaku’s, and there was a long silence, interrupted just by Noiz’s rambling breathing. -You… You can feel pain?-, the older asked, without taking his hands off from Noiz’s shoulders. The younger looked down, and sighed without a word. He did, he felt pain now. But it was better when he didn’t. -Do you have someone at home, waiting for you?-. The younger shook his head, and a chill ran down his spine. Was that some sort of invite? No, he wasn’t that weak. He _didn’t_ need someone to stay with for the night, he could do it by his own. He tried to stand up, but he knees weren’t strong to hold his weight, and he ended up falling against Koujaku’s chest.The blonde boy felt the softness of Koujaku’s hands on his back, something he’d never expected to feel, exprecially if it was about that man. The only idea of spending a whole night wrapped in those big, muscular arms wasn’t that bad, but he was way, _way_ too proud for that. He put his hands on Koujaku’s chest, and right when he was about to pull him away, his eyes stopped on the other’s lips. No, it was too much for his heart to handle. It was dark, and cold around them, and he wasn’t sure if it was for the streetlights, the night or just his weariness, but that man was looking so fine, damn. No, no, please don’t do it, don’t give that bastard the satisfation of seeing you weak. His mind was holding him back, but those lips were calling him. It already happened before, he knew where it was going. –I guess… No, nobody is waiting for me.-, -How about you coming over?-.Noiz pretended to think about it for a while, but nooded with a smile.

In a few minutes, they were kissing against the front door of the Koujaku’s house.

In a couple of seconds, the clothes that were between them were lying on the bedroom floor, right where they threw them.

The white, soft sheets of the bed were wrapping their bodies together in a soft hug. Noiz, for once in his life, was feeling whole. He was feeling good, his whole body was filled with pleasure, with lust. He would’ve never wanted it to end. The older’s hands moved down his back to his hips, his groin, as his heart flattered. He let out a suffocated breath as the man’s lips kissed his neck softly, firmly pressed on his throath. He wanted it to go on forever. He just really loved the feeling that man gave him, everytime they ended up spending a whole night together. Everytime their teams met somewhere around Midorjima, they already knew who was going to be the winner of their match: they decided it the night before, between suffocated breathes and violent thrusts as they were fucking against some random alleway's wall. He always felt that man in a way that was stronger than he ever wanted himself to, but now his body could feel the  _pain_ and at the same time the _pleasure_ a person like him could give him it was even better. A part of him hated Koujaku desperatly, but another part of him couln't stay a second without his warm touch.

Everything became more disgusting when he reached his clarity. It was _disgusting_ knowing that it was that stupid old man that made him feel so good. The thruth was, he always ended up acting like a voicy slut in bed when it was about Koujaku. As he realized once again who he was tasting in his own mouth, his heart started racing, as he unwillingly tried to break their kiss, pushing away the older man. Koujaku always seemed to reach his clarity after Noiz, but when he did it was fucking amusing seeing his expression when he got back to reality and remembered  _who actually was_ that boy he liked to thrust in so much. Noiz just stood there, right under him, his legs locked behind his back, his hands holding his neck. Was that even possible? It was always the same story.

Noiz pushed him away, and rolled to the other side of the bed, his heart still beating faster than ever. He closed his eyes, as he pulled the sheets up to his chin: the voices in his head were louder than ever, now. What did he do wrong? What would’ve that asshole of his father said, if he’d saw him now? “ _What are you doing, taking it in from another man without a single complain? What were you thinking of_?”. He could almost hear his voice saying that. Everywhere he looked around, he only saw people looking at him, pointing at him, laughing at him. He hid under the blanket, trying to fight the feeling of heaviness in his chest. Koujaku, sitting on the other side of the bed, looked at the ground, feeling on his back scratches and bruises left from another totally unexpected passion that overwhelmed him. They both were in such a sticky situation, now. Noiz could’ve told everybody Koujaku dragged him home and violently ripped his body apart, and yeah, that still wasn’t true, but who could know that? He could’ve told everybody he bottomed the most feared Rhyme player of Midorjima, and that would've been the end of the fagile balance they built. They had in their hands every possibility to ruin eachother’s life. He never thought he’d feel so ashamed in his whole life. He thought he knew it better, by now. He should’ve known that, since when he got that stupid tattoo, he couldn’t control himself anymore: he couldn’t control his anger, he couldn’t control stress, he couldn’t control sadness. He couldn’t control passion, violence, strenght. When it came to love, he wasn’t ready. He liked to stay with a girl for a little time, just for some fun, he never thought of himself in a more serious thing. He just wasn’t able to hold himself back, he was so scared he could hurt someone. He wasn’t sure what happened, that night. He just knew he now had fucked that same person he would've liked to throw down a ravine once again, and he felt so bad about it he’d rather drown that have to see his face once again.

Noiz moved, and sit next to the man, sighing heavily. –I keep on seeing things.-, he said, quietly, not an hint of emotion in his voice. –Hm?-. The older looked at him, with a worried expression. –It just happens. I have to take so many pills, but they never seem to work. I gave up, by now.-. Koujaku looked at him, wondering why he was telling him such a personal thing. But, after all, none of them had something left to hide now. -I don’t understand why. No, maybe I do. Maybe it's just me, I'm just a problem. -. The honest pain in those words gave Koujaku chills. –I know that feeling.-. Noiz looked at the other, trying to hide the suprise in his eyes. –I know how you feel. That feeling you have when you think the whole world abandoned you, when every person seems to only stand in your way. I’ve felt like that before.-. He stood up shamelessly though he was completely naked, and took two cigarettes from a package, offering one to the blonde boy. He never smoked before, and he never cared about smoking at all, but, in that moment, he didn’t even care anymore about what he did before. He took one, and sit on the floor, his back against the matress. After Koujaku lighted his own cigarette with a lighter, he passed it to Noiz. A thick smoke cloud drew from the older’s lips, filling with his seamless shape the room. Noiz didn’t really know how to use a cigarette, so he just imitated what Koujaku was doing. At first, he coughed and almost choked himself, causing the other to laugh like a complete idiot. But after a few attempts, he finally got the mechanism. It was weird, almost chilling. He was sure that wasn’t nicotine he was smoking, but he just let it be, he didn’t really care at all. Another blow, and his whole body relaxed, leaving him in a complete trance state. All the shadows he saw around a few minutes before, they all dissolved. Morning was coming outside, light was creeping in, enlightening their tired faces and bruised skins. Thinking about what happened last night kept on making his guilt grow.

It hurt at first, it really did. He already had sex before, but he had no idea it hurt that bad. He chuckled as he thought of how much pain Aoba had been through in his life, after he had been fucked by so much people. It was almost funny thinking about how even a granted thing like that was unknown to him: there was so much he didn’t know. Maybe he was just high, but he felt like that stupid, old man could’ve been the only way to understand what the world really was. -Hey, old man.-, Noiz called him out. –Do you think you could teach me how to live?-. The other looked at him, almost confused, blowing out a steady blow of smoke. –What do you mean?-. The younger moved closer to him, as he bungled his fingers together nervously: -I mean… I mean, I don’t know how living really is. The way I always lived my life is not… I… I can’t live like that, now. I don’t know what can hurt me and what can’t… I need someone to teach me.-. –And why do you think I should be that someone?-, Koujaku asked, without looking at him in the face. The other grinned: -Wouldn’t that be such _a shame_ if someone found out about that young, beautiful girl of yesterday night, hm? Oh, wait… Was she something like fiveteen? Pft, that’d be _so easy_ telling what you do to your friends, to the other Rib players… -, -Ok, ok. That’s enough.-, Koujaku blocked him, obviously peeved by that perspective that would’ve completely blown his reputation. –That’s fine.-, he said, after a few seconds of hesitation. –What do you want me to do?-. Noiz rested his head on the matress, and sighed. –You know what could happen if they see us together around? It’d be a serious problem. You know our teams don’t go along, the last time we had a match in the same neighborhood it ended up with a violent fight and some of my people had some serious problems with cops after that. If they see us together…-. Noiz nooded sadly, looking at the ceiling. He remembered that. In Midorjima it got kinda famous, it happened just a few other times that two teams as important as Ruff Rabbit and Benishigure had such a fight. Rhyme players tended to be more violent than Rib’s, but in that occasion confusion took over and everyone showed the very worse side of themself. That was the famous fight in which Noiz scraped Koujaku’s face, giving him that scar he had on his nose and that he secretely loved way too much. It was a terrible moment, tho, and even after all that time their teams didn’t find a way to go back to a normal disdain. That would’ve been a problem, actually, if their people saw them two hanging together. But… But wait there was a way to avoid that! -I think I know what we can do.-, Noiz said, after a few seconds of reflection. Koujaku turned his head to him, waiting for an answer that could help them out this problem. -You’re coming to Germany with me.-. -Wait, what?-, Koujaku blurted, frowing. –There’s not a chance I’m coming anywhere with you!-. Noiz shrugged, as he reached out for his phone in his pants’s pocket: -Ah, what a pity. I hope you enjoyed your reputation long enough, _old fart_.-. –Wait, what are you doing?-, -Just texting Aoba. He will surely like to know what his best friend does when he’s not in the spotlight.-. –No, no no-, the older stole from Noiz’s hands his phone before he could start writing. –Ok, ok. I’m coming.-. The younger smiled: - _V erlierer_.-, he said as he ruffled Koujaku’s hair. Koujaku didn't understand what he said, but he just sighed deeply, thinking of a bright way to get himself out of that situation.

The same day, aout five hours after, they both were ready at the airport, waiting for their airplane to arrive. Koujaku sighed, as he looked down at his ticket: destination, Germany. He had never been outside Japan before, and he never though one day he would've been visiting Europe. –We are going to stay in one of my parent’s houses, nobody is going to be a pain there.-, Noiz said, looking down. –“ _One of your houses_ ”?-, -Yes, we have like five properties, two are mansions, we are staying in one of them.-. Wait, he was rich? He’d never say that, just looking at him. The speakers announced their plane just arrived, and in ten minutes it would’ve left for Berlin’s airport.

-Come on, old man. Let’s go.-, Noiz said, sounding more like an order than a invitation, grabbing the other’s waist and dragging his heavy luggage away.


	2. Unplanned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Germany is a beautiful place for sure, and everything can be seen under a different light in Europe.  
> Also Koujaku is starting to see Noiz under a new perspective, and his heart is playing a dangerous game.  
> How long can he make it last before he fucks something up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! This part is the longest one, and it took forever to review it because I really do a whole lot of mistakes when I write //shots/
> 
> Hope you like it anyway!!

-So, this is Berlin.-, Koujaku said to himself, looking at the giantic airport around him.

He never saw something like that before, in his whole life: people everywhere, so much confusion, enormous windows, signals written in such an incomprehensible language. -Come, old fart.-, Noiz grabbed his waist, dragging him towards the exit. There were two men, all dressed up in smart black suits, holding a carton signboard with a name on it: -You see? They’re waiting for us.-, -“ _They_ ” who?-, -People who work for my family.-. Even if they looked more like bouncers, they were probably bodyguards or something like that, he thought. Noiz started talking with them, and even if Koujaku knew a few German words, he talked so fast it was impossible for him understanding what he was saying. Probably, the blonde boy was trying to explain who he was to those two giantic men, who were looking at him like they never saw an asiatic person before in their pathetical lives. _Maybe, I wasn’t supposed to wear my kimono_ , he thought as he saw everybody in the airport looking at him. –Ok, we’re done here.-, Noiz called him back, as he walked after the two men. Koujaku followed him, and right outside the airport a luxurious, black car was waiting for them. –Are you fucking serious?!-, -What, you don’t like it? I liked it better in white, actually. I knew it was stupid buying it in this shitty metallic bla-, -No, no, the color’s… fine.-, -Oh, you don’t like the car? I think it’s too small. I wanted it bigger, but my budget was a bit too l-, -No, hey. It’s fine, nevermind.-. Noiz looked at him, almost confused, but shrugged and got inside the car, followed by Koujaku. The younger said something to the driver, and after a little complaining, they started leaving the airport zone. –So, I think you know that in Germany you can’t speak Japanese with people, unless you want people to think you’re mad_ just speak it with me. And, obviously, you can’t wear _that_ -, Noiz said, pointing at Koujaku’s red kimono. He nooded sadly, and sighed: it felt like forever since the last time he wore something that wasn’t his precious kimono. But the brat was right, he had to go with the flow.

-It still feels akward being here with you.-, he admit, looking raindrops falling outside the window as it started raining. –I know, I thought we could’ve been going to an hotel, but in this period there’s just a lot of people and-, -No, I mean… Here, in Germany, with a brat like you.-, -Ah. Well, it’s better being a brat than being an old skunk.-. Noiz seemed nervous, he had been like that for the whole flight, and since when they arrived in Berlin it just just worse. Probably it was weird, almost _scary_ coming back after all that time to the same place where your painful life started, and where your parents still live and work, he had every reason to be nervous. –Hey.-, Koujaku called him out, and he turned his head to him. –It’s going to be ok. Now, chill.-. Noiz looked down, taking a deep breath: he really hoped he was right. It took them more or less five minutes to get to Noiz’s house: when he saw it, Koujaku was left completely speechless. It was the biggest house he had ever seen in his whole life, with an enormous garden and a beautiful iron gate around it. Inside, it was even better: it had all the charm of an old european building, with high ceilings, elaborated floors, big windows. It was way different from Japanese houses, no doubt. Noiz called a woman, who immediatly came and dragged all their luggage away, as they walked to the second stair.

–Here there are three bedrooms-, he said, lazyly showing them off. –So, this is _yours_.-. His bedroom was seriously stunning. It had a very big bed, meticulously made up, a white wooded closet and a night stand. There were mirrors all over the walls, and there was a beautiful chandelier. Noiz called the woman again, and she dropped Koujaku’s luggage in the room. –Now, follow me.-. They walked to another room, bigger than the other, with a giantic round carped in it and another bed: -I will sleep here. Now, undress.-. Koujaku felt his face blushing heavily: -What?-, –Just do it.-, -No! There’s not a chance I’m going-, -Do you want new clothes, yes or no?-. –Oh…-. He took a deep breath: he wasn’t sure if it was him who was an incurable pervert or it was Noiz who had completely _no way_ of saying things. –I will wait or you out anyway. Look for something you like in my closet, if it fits you.-, the youngr said, walking out. “ _Something he liked_ ” was his kimono, of course. He sighed, and opened the closet: an overwhelming amount of suits was waiting for him. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to wear. White? No, too smart. Grey? It was a bit depressing as color. He noticed Noiz also had a lot of colorful suits: one was dark green, the other was salmon, one was mustard. He sighed heavily as he gave up forever on German’s sense of fashion, trying to find something that wasn’t a complete fashion disaster: there was a black suit, it was really smart but also kinda simple, it was also his size, surprisingly. -Are you almost done?-, Noiz called him out from outside the door, without hiding a certain nuisance in his tone. –Yes, yes.-. Koujaku fixed his new tie, trying to figure out if that suit fit him: he wasn’t really used to see himself dressed up like that, but that was probably ok. –I’m here.-. Noiz opened the door, with his usual impassive expression: -Thanks God, I thought you choked yourself with a tie.-. His face changed completely when he saw Koujaku, tho. Wow, he was looking _way_ too fine without that stupid kimono. –What do you think?-. Noiz just kept on staring, his eyes wide open: -You.. You look ok.-. –Really?-, -Yes, yes. Now come here.-, -Why? Did I wore something wrong?-. Koujaku got closer, and the younger started fixing his jacket’s rims, his tie’s lenght, his shirt’s collar, just like a mother would do with her son before he leaves for his first day of work. –Ok, you look _sorta_ ok now.-. Noiz’s hands stopped on the other’s chest, because man, not even that bitch-ass suit could hide those fantastic muscles. –Not bad for an old man.-, he mumbled, mostly talking to himself. –Hm?-, -Nevermind. Come, hurry up.-.

-So, according to you, I can be harmed by knives, scissors, fire, electricity and pointy objects in general. I also have to pay attention to the strenght people use or I use if I want to avoid bruises, cuts and scars, which hurt. Right?-, Noiz asked, sighing as he rested his head on his hand. –Yes, but there’s more than that.-, Koujaku replied, looking at the other’s face. –There are sometimes when your body feels hurt without you did apparently nothing bad. If you stay too much in a room with air conditioning, for example, you can get an headache or a throathache. If you do some wrong movements, you can feel hurt in your bones. If you push yourself too hard, stress too much or get too nervous over something you can end up having a lot of problems, both phisical and mental.- . Noiz looked at him with an annoyed expression: -So, there is something I can do? Feeling is like not being able to do anything.-. –I wouldn't be like that-, the other replied, with an upset tone. –Then come, take a fucking umbrella: we’re going out.-, -Wait, what? Why?-. The blonde boy turned his eyes to him: -You think you can teach me how to live just by sitting here?-. Berlin was beautiful, but very confusionary. There was a lot of people down on the streets, every shop was so full and there was a very long queue outside every _bäckerei_ , German bakeries that smelled like fresh bread. Even if it was raining, germans didn’t seem cowed: everyone with their own umbrella colored the streets and walked all around, relaxed but pragmatics as only Europeans can be. Everyone seemed pretty happy, and even if December was just at its fourth day, shops and houses were already decorated for Christmas. –Are you hungry?-, Noiz asked him, stopping in front of a shop. Koujaku stopped next to him, and nooded: -Yes, kinda. What do they sell in here?-. –Wait for me a second, and you’ll see.-, said the younger one, entering the shop, and coming out after a very short time with a brown packet. –Close your eyes…-, -You’re not going to poison me, are you?-. Noiz laughed so naturally at those words that Koujaku seemed to be cheered by it, and closed his eyes as he told him to. –Open your mouth, you old trash.-, -Ok, ok.-. Noiz fed him something that he never tasted before: it tasted sweet, it was soft, but not too much. –Isn’t it good?-. –It’s awesome, what is this?-, he asked, trying to understand just by looking inside the packet. –We call them _bonbons_. Basically it’s just candy, but in this shop they taste _way_ better than in any other shop you can find.-. –They’re great.-, Koujaku said, taking another bonbon from the packet. –This looks like a leaf!-. It really did tho! A small, greenish candy shaped like a leaf, with sugar streaks. It was just so good, it was completely different from artificial candy he was used to.

He was starting to really enjoy Berlin. Even if Noiz ate a lot, and with that he swore he saw him buying something from every food shop of the street they were walking, he had a chance to taste the difference from Japanese food that was drastic, in a good way though. He learnt that German chocolate is awesome, but also kinda expensive, and he learned that krapfens are always filled a bit too much and that, if you don’t pay attention, you will end up dirting your face with cream, he found out he had a real passion for _himmlische_ chocolates. He was also learning shops’s names, and even if Noiz always ended up laughing at his pronunciation, he was totally ok with it: he didn’t seem to laugh about him, not at all, he seriously looked amused and that was new, also a bit akward, but he seemed to like it as much as he did. While walking, they had way to talk about a whole lot of things: Noiz found out many new things he didn’t know, about his “new feeling-self”, and about that beautiful fragility that characterize humans. For example, he found out that needles can be dangerous, but they can also heal a few kinds of scars if warmed, he found out that paper can cut you and that paper cuts are annoying as fuck. After over an hour spent lovely walking around shops, it was dinnertime: they stopped in a restourant, Koujaku wasn’t sure about its name, but it was surely a very nice place and there was a lot of people in there. –So, what do you think about Berlin?-, Noiz asked, resting his head on his hands. –I love it.-, Koujaku laughed saying that, but it was real: he never thought he would’ve been able to see Europe one day, and Germany was sure a nice place to start. –I remember I hated it when I was younger, but now I see it from a different perspective.-. The older nooded, fixing his hair that kept on covering his face: -That sounds like a good thing.-, -It is, it is.-. Looking around, he couldn’t help but notice a lot of families sitting at tables. Happy, smily families, with fathers poking their children’s noses and mothers that were able to make even a language as German sound sweet. When he looked back in front of him, Koujaku saw Noiz’s eyes running across the big room, looking at every smile he could capture like he wanted it so bad. None of them had from their past what they wanted, not at all: what happiness really was, none of them knew. –I had a lot of fun today.-, Noiz said nonchalantly, without looking at the other in the face. Koujaku seemed to soften hearing those words, and smiled lightly: -Me too. We could do it again, sometimes.-. Noiz turned his head to him and smiled at him, nooding shyly.

It was late, it was almost eleven in the afternoon, and even if it was dark and it was six degrees outside, Berlin’s lights and houses’s windows shining in the air made the atmosphere extremely warm and light. People was still walking around, shops weren’t as full as they were during the afternoon and the streets weren’t as chaotic anymore, but it wasn’t distressing walking down them: it was very reassuring seeing neon lights and bars with people laughing and drinking hot chocolate in complete relax. They walked further than they thought from Noiz’s house, and when they finally came home it was a quarter past midnight. Of course, it wasn’t early, but they both seemed happy and satisfied by the day. –Do you want to take a shower, or…?-, Noiz mumbled, trying to speak with his toothbrush in his mouth. –I think I’ll pass, I’m kinda tired to be honest.-, the other replied, undoing his ponytail in front of the bathroom’s mirror. Of course there was more than a bathroom, but the closest one to both of their rooms was that one and they didn't seem unconcerned about getting undressed together. Noiz washed his mouth, and filled a cup of water to keep on his night stand in case he got thirsty during the night, as he waited for the older to head to his bedroom. –Ok, I’m going to bed now.-, Koujaku said, stretching his arms. –‘K, try to sleep.-, Noiz said, taking a sip from his water cup. Before he left, he brushed lovely his lips on Koujaku’s cheek, and he thanked him once again for that beautiful day they spent together. Useless describing the other’s amazement, as he looked at the other’s thin body, lost inside his terribly oversized green tshirt, walking inside his own bedroom: he wasn’t sure what that meant, not at all. But he started feeling that angry despisement he had towards Noiz fading away slowly: seeing him once in a while, fighting for nothing, also fucking sometimes without any kind of love, was so different from seeing him in action, living his everyday’s life. That simple cheek kiss, so soft, so simple, made his heart beat faster than any rough bite, any night spent thrusting violently into that slender, young body, way faster than any other thing he ever did before. With this feeling always wider in his chest, Koujaku headed wearily to his bedroom: tired, he just threw himself on the matress and slinked under his blankets. God, they smelled so good. They had a suprisingly homely clean cotton smell, and they were soft, almost caressing his skin. That bed was awesomely big and comfortable, but it was a bit cold, despite those warm blankets. Maybe it was just the feeling of not having someone next to him. Yes, that was right. He wasn’t used to sleep alone anymore, he liked having someone he could hug, he could feel against his body and he could just rest his head on. Just empty, cold sheets around him were way different from sweet, lovely arms, but there wasn’t much he could do. With a deep sigh, he buried his face in his pillow, listening to the bittersweet sound of the rain pouring on the roof.

Morning came way sooner than he’d expect it to, he wasn’t sure if it was for Noiz barging in his room at six in the morning or just him not being used to that new jet lag, all he was sure about was that it wasn’t even seven and they were already having breakfast. With “breakfast”, he always meant nothing more than a cup of tea and a few biscuits, but obviously Germany was new in everything for him: he swore he never had such a big breakfast in his whole life. Noiz always seemed to be hungry, and if what he heard about him was right, it wasn’t suprisingly weird wanting to eat anything for someone who only ate pizza and pasta for his whole life. –So, where are we going today?-, Koujaku asked, looking down at the sugar drowning in coffe inside his mug. –Probably out.-, Noiz replied, taking another chocolate from a box next to him. –Yes, but where?-, -Oh, well, I don’t know. Today you’re coming to work with me, and tonight we’ll probably go to have some fun and drink a few beers.-, -Wait, I’m coming to work with you? What do you mean?-, -Why? You thought I didn’t have a job?-, -I thought you only sold Rhyme informations…-, -Well, when I’m not in Germany I only do that. But here I have the only good things my family left me: a few properties and my job.-, -And what do you do _exactly_?-, -Oh, I run a family trade. We produce power bars.-. Koujaku simply couldn’t hold in an amused laughter hearing that. Was he serious? –Are you fucking kidding me?-, -Why? You think German people don’t like power bars? Because they hell do.-, -I just find it funny because… power bars! Come on!-, -It’s not my fault if that’s what people like to waste their money on!-. They both started laughing, in such a noisy way that a maid had to check inside the room to be sure they were ok. It felt almost unreal laughing about power bars, in a mansion in Germany, with the person you despised the most in the whole world, but at the same time it was amusing and none of them seemed annoyed by that new-found confidence they were developing. –So we’re going to produce power bars?-, -No, I supervise the less practical part.-, -Like you choose the wrapping color?-. Noiz couldn’t help laughing at that question: -I actually have people who do that for me. I mostly manage the deployment on the market.-, -That seems important for a power bar dealer.-, -Oh, come on!-.

Their day ended up way better than they thought. Noiz was very beloved from his colleagues, and his job wasn’t as silly as he thought it was: he was a good leader, he knew what he had to say and how to say it, always being polite but without being too confidential. They left the building at about eight in the afternoon, just because both of them got lost in the building and stopped about half an hour trying to figure out the office’s new coffee machine. Around half past eight, they finally sat down in a bar that wasn’t too far from Noiz’s house: it was a really nice place, with a sightly retrò furniture. The place wasn’t too crowded, but it looked very warm and intimate. –Look, come here.-, Noiz called the other, as he sat down. –Why there? Isn’t it more comfortable next to the bar counter?-, -It’s going to be too crowdy there in fifteen minutes. Come here.-. Koujaku nooded, and sit opposite to Noiz, resting his head on his armchair’s backrest: he looked up to the ceiling, and noticed that it was all decorated with a blue-ish fishnet, interrupted by a few jellyfish-like chandeliers. –Around ten, when it gets darker, this place looks almost unreal.-, Noiz said, handing him one of the two menus that were on the low table between them. –Why? You’ve been here before?-, Koujaku asked him, opening the menu and trying to understand what the hell was an _ananassaft_. –Hope you’re kidding me. I come here every weekend, also because it’s never too crowdy and the atmosphere is great. Plus their beer is _awesome_.-. The older nooded distractly, frowing at every word he tried to read in his mind. –What is “ _schokoladenlikör_ ”?-, he had to ask, sadly swallowing his pride and admitting to himself he would’ve never been able to learn German. –It’s chocolate liqueur.-, the other replied, trying to don’t laugh at Koujaku’s german pronunciation. –Oh… And… This “ _ingwer_ ”?-, -It’s ginger.-, -Why does German have to be so hard?-, -But it’s not hard!-. A blonde waitress just stopped by their table, and asked something Koujaku clearly didn’t understand. –What are you going to get, old man?-, -Well… I don’t know! I didn’t have time to choose anythin-, -Two “Frog”s, please.-, -Wait, what?-. The waitress thanked, and took away both menus as she left. –What the heck is a “Frog”?-, -It’s a drink they do here. It’s basically vodka, sake, cucumber, ginger and beer. It’s good, trust me.-, -It sounds a lot of stuff.-, -Yes, but it’s good.-. Noiz seemed to smile at him, but didn’t give him time to smile back and just turned to the window, looking at the busy streets outside the big window. It was getting darker, and Koujaku started to understand what Noiz said when he talked about that place being “almost unreal”: every light, so suffused, and those lovely chandeliers’s blue glow made everything look so ethereal. It was also quite romantic, he’d say. In a few minutes, the waitress came back with two big glasses, filled with a yellow liquid and decorated with ice cubes. -This is the biggest glass I’ve ever seen.-, Koujaku laughed, after the girl left. –Actually it’s one of the smallest they have here. This one is not even too alcoholic, you know? Once I ordered a way more alcoholic one, and I ended up collapsing on that sofa down there. That was the first, and quite possibly _last_ time I got drunk.-. In Noiz’s voice there was a tone he’d never heard before: it was something friendly, confidential. In his eyes, he saw something different in them, a different light. –Really? I’ve lost counts of how many times I’ve been drunk in my life, to be honest.-. Noiz almost spit out the first sip of drink he drunk hearing that embarassed tone from such a proud person’s mouth. Koujaku laughed, and looked down at the ice cubes slowly melting in his glass. Minutes passed, and while they were both waiting for ice to melt, it was getting always darker outside, and that unreal atmosphere mixed with the soft downtempo playing and ginger’s spicy smell was making them both getting always more into eachother. Even if the bar was filling up, it felt like there were only them, their voices smoothly caressing their ears. After a few sips of their drinks, puns and bad humor were simply inevitable: they were both laughing, amused by that healthy dose of happiness they both were so unused to. Hours were passing by, faster than ever, and after a drink and two beers, it was already eleven in the afternoon.

–God, it’s late.-, Noiz said, looking at his watch. –Oh, whatever. We can stay here for another while, can we? Until they close.-, Koujaku smiled, resting his head on his hand as he looked in the other’s eyes. –Seems like a bright idea.-. The younger smiled, and put his hands down on his knees, taking a deep breath. Koujaku couldn’t help but looking at the other’s face, lightned by the kind glow of the chandeliers, and love every single inch of it. His eyes, those same eyes that always looked so empty, now looked brand new, full of emotions, they looked alive. Almost unwillingly, his left hand moved to the other’s wrist, causing Noiz to move his eyes on him. –I swear, I never saw something like you.-, he said, his words almost slipping from his lips. Noiz looked at the other’s eyes, feeling his heart flattering. –What… Do you mean?-, -I mean you’re gorgeous.-. The younger looked down at his knees, feeling his face warming up. A cold, big hand rested on his cheek, and genty fixed his blonde hair on the back of his ear. –I’m glad I followed you until here.-, he smiled. Noiz smiled, as well, and closed his eyes, softening his expression. Quietly,almost shyly, Koujaku leaned closer to the other’s face, and as the younger’s hands reached his shoulders, he pressed his lips against the other’s. Probably someone in the room turned their head to them, some of them probably smiled, others simply stared, not knowing what to think. The thruth was, nobody in that room had a single idea of what they felt like in that moment: that warm feeling in their chests, their fingers interlocking, their hearts beating as one. It felt even more embarassing breaking the kiss, and looking at eachother in the eye again. Noiz took a breath, without a word, as Koujaku looked down at his knees. –So, are… uhm… are we going home?-. The younger smiled, and nooded with a sigh.

On their way home, they unexpectedly talked quite a lot, not feeling any kind of guilt for what happened. Koujaku swore he had like a feeling that Noiz was somehow trying to hold his hand: he felt his fingers brushing against his knuckles more than once. Again, before they both headed to bed, they found eachother in the same bathroom, and again Noiz tried to talk with his mouth full of toothpaste. Most important, once again the younger kissed him goodnight, but this time, it happened in a different way from the night before. –Hey, handsome-, he called him, getting closer to him. –Wh… Did you just call me “handsome”?-, Koujaku frowned, turning to him. Noiz smiled at him, and put both his hands on his neck. Standing on his toes, he leaned kindly on him, pressing his lips to the other’s, leaving him overwhelmed by his heartbeat. He could feel his smile on his face, as his hands ruffed his hair in an almost endearing way. Before Koujaku could even just try to understand what was going on, Noiz broke their kiss and left with a ‘ _k goodnight loser_ ' and disappeared in his room. He just stood there, like a complete idiot, feeling an earthquake in his chest. It was almost unreal thinking that that same brat that just kissed him used to hate him a few days before. All he knew, what he was feeling was something stronger than just affection. Right in the moment when he was about to get inside his room, he noticed Noiz’s door opened a bit, and his slender body showed up in front of him once again.

–Listen, old man.-, he called him, fixing his own hair behind his ear. –I… I feel something. I don’t know what it is, I thought you could help me figure it out.-. Koujaku frowned: -Yes, sure. Tell me.-. The younger took his hand, and put it on his chest: -Here. I feel warm, sometimes it’s like my ribs are widening. It’s not like I’m having some problems, maybe my heart? Oh, and here-, he moved the other’s hand a bit down, -Here it feels like my stomach is wringing. And I feel something weird, it’s like there is something moving inside me. Is it dangerous?-. Noiz looked up to the other’s face, and his worried expression made Koujaku smile so naturally he almost didn’t notice. –It’s normal, don’t you worry about it. I feel like that too, sometimes.-, he said, with a gentle tone. –Really? And you never say a word about it?-. The older laughed, and scrolled his shoulders: -No, I’m getting used to it.-. The blonde boy nooded, and leaned his head on the other’s chest. –I got scared. It never happened to me before now, and for some reason I feel like this when I’m with you.-, he raised his face, looking in the man’s brownish eyes. –Why does it happen? I mean, how do you call it? Is it tachycardia? Or it’s just me, that I’m becoming crazy?-. Koujaku ruffled his hair, and hugged him tight, without saying a word. The other, at first, waited for an actual answer, but in the end it wasn’t even important: he said it was nothing he had to worry about, had he? If he said it, he was sure that was an actual, real thing. He hated to admit that, but he was starting to trust that man more than he thought he could ever trust someone. –I’m sorry I bothered you. Go to sleep now, probably you’re tired.-, -You didn’t bother at all, Noiz. Are we going to work tomorrow too?-, -Tomorrow is Sunday, loser.-, Noiz smiled, and with a light kiss on the cheek said goodnight.

The morning after, after a whole-night long reflection, Koujaku realized he didn’t want to go back to Japan. No, not at all. He wasn’t sure he wanted to leave Berlin, he wasn’t sure he wanted to go back to don’t see Noiz everyday, and of course he didn’t want their teams to fight everytime they saw eachother. With a deep sigh, he turned in the bed, wrapping himself in his warm blanket: the last thing he ever thought of was falling in love with a brat so young and different from what he usually liked. But at the same time, he couldn’t deny what he was feeling was more than just affection to him, and even if he hated using such a word, he thought that could’ve been **love**.

-Hey, old man. Are you awake?-, Noiz nonchalantly barged in his rooom, with a sleepless-kind of weariness on his face. –What are you doing here? It’s like seven in the morning!-, -And so? If none of us is sleeping what’s the point of staying in bed alone?-. Said this, Noiz threw himself in bed, causing Koujaku to jump on the matress. He looked happy, even if he looked like he didn’t sleep for ages. The younger rolled next to the other, leaning on his shoulder: -You know, I had trouble sleeping tonight.-, -Really?-, -Hm. It’s just… Did you ever take pills?-, -Pills… for what?-, -It’s hard to explain. It’s like, I see things normal people don’t see, you know.-, -Like… shadows?-, -Yes, monsters, ghosts, shadows, whatever you want to call them. It’s just that, they’re not working much, you know?-, -You mean you still see things?-, -Yes. They never really helped, but in this last year it’s like they’ve been completely no use.-. Koujaku nooded sadly, and bringed Noiz’s head closer to him. He felt bad for what Noiz told him. He was sure it was some sort of stress-related thing, a lot of illness comes from that. –In Midorjima, I found another kind of pill that actually, for a while, was able to help me. But I think I found my medicine now, you know? Something that works, more than any other thing I ever tried before.-, -Oh, really?-. Noiz nooded, and smiled lightly. –I found _you_.-. Koujaku felt his heart completely flattering in his chest. He wasn’t sure how to reply to something like that, every word would’ve been unnecessary. He just wrapped his big arms aorund the younger’s thin body, holding him close. –You know I can’t breathe if you hold me this thight, right?-, -Oh, I’m sorr-, -No, hey. It doesn’t mean I don’t like it.-, saying those words, Noiz laughed naturally, amused by that “ _sorry_ ” that Koujaku said so often. –I never wanted someone like I want you now.-. Those words almost slipped from the younger’s lips, causing his heart to beat as fast as he just confessed one of his best friend’s secrets. Koujaku looked at him, his muscles all tensed: -Are you even serious?-, he asked, with such an insecure tone. –Does this face look like the face of somebody who wants to be funny?-, Noiz laughed, putting both his hands on the man’s back. –No, at all.-. The blonde boy smiled, and got closer to the older’s ear: -Kiss me.-, he murmured, in an almost endearing way. He knew he didn’t have to say it two times, he didn’t even have time to breathe after he said it, no. Koujaku’s lips were already glued to his, his hands pressed on his back, pulling him so close he could feel his bones on his body. It was like they were an only thing, there was nothing that could’ve separated them. Feeling those soft lips kissing him so gently, but at the same time biting him so violently they could’ve ripped his skin off. It was painful, but he didn’t feel bad for it, it was just so pleasing, so flattering. Was it wrong that he wanted him to do anything to him? Tear him apart, fix him, destroy him? He was sure he wanted that man to be next to him for the rest of his days. The only thing that still was standing in their way were their t-shirts, and they soon fixed that by throwing them somewhere away from their bed. Noiz let out a suffocated moan when he felt Koujaku’s chest on him, he could feel every muscle tensing up, every inch of that big, manly body already moistened by sweat. The older’s head moved down to his neck, and he sarted kissing it, sucking it, until he left a constellation of blue bruises on it. That hurted, actually, but he still liked it, way too much. He was sure he was feeling himself getting always more turned on by every single kiss, every movement, every breath.

-Uhm, Mr. Noiz? Are you in there?-, a maid called from outside their door. - _Mehr_ -, Noiz grunted, as Koujaku let go of him and rolled on the other side of the bed. –Yes, I’m here.-, he replied, trying so hard to breathe normally and don’t sound like he was as turned on as he was. –Oh, ok. There’s an ugent call for you, it’s from one of your managers.-. –Ok, uhm.. Tell them I will call back in a couple of minutes.-, Noiz said, as he put on a tshirt he found on the floor. –Sure thing.-, she replied, and walked away. Koujaku looked at him in silence for a few seconds, and in the same moment when Noiz looked back at him, they both started laughing uncontrollably, almost crying. –Can you imagine her expression if she came in? Her face would’ve been something like “ _ooooh my good_ ”-, -Yes, and then she would’ve like walked out trying to forget what she saw.-. Noiz laughed, fixing approximately his hair: -Remember me to _don’t_ let you kiss me again.-.


	3. Unplanned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everything goes well, you can't expect it to last forever.   
> Koujaku never felt like a relationship person, he's too easy to charm, and Noiz is going to pay the conseguences of his heartthrob personality.

Koujaku was starting to love Berlin always more.

It wasn’t much for its beer, that stil was the best he ever drunk in his life, or its great buldings, all decorated with flashy Christmas lights: there was something about its people that made it even better than he thought a city could ever be. Men all looked very disciplined and everyone was very polite. But he always had a thing for women, everybody knew it, and he had to admit, German girls were _so_ damn attractive. They all always looked so sunny, and every girl he talked to had been nice to him. He wasn’t used to blonde hair, in Japan natural blonde hair was almost impossible to find, but in Germany everywhere he looked around him he saw blonde hair. Probably the fact that he had never seen so many blondes all in once was keeping his eye off the even more numerous dark haired people, but it still felt weird and almost unreal. Even if he knew girls just weren’t thing for him, he still really enjoyed spending time with them, and nothing was comparable to the feeling he had when he was holding them. Plus, German girls weren’t as skinny as Japanese girls were: he got so used to asian girl’s thin legs he was almost tired of them. Instead, those blondes had something more than what he was used to, and he wasn’t shy to admit that it was expremely appealing to him. It was almost two weeks since when he left Midorjima and arrived in Berlin, and even if some people from his team called him a few times to know where he was and if everything was alright, he hadn’t got any kind of contact with Japan since then.

Living with Noiz was becoming so natural that it was almost haunting thinking that he used to live alone all the time, it felt wrong just thinking about it. Noiz liked him, or at least, that was what he understood from the way he looked at him, and even if he liked sleeping with him and seeing him everyday, he wasn’t sure he could’ve said he felt the same. That was something different he was feeling, something way more fleshy and miles away from what he’d call something romantic. At least, that was what he thought. It wasn’t too weird for him going out to smoke a cigarette after a meal, and even if from when he arrived to Germany he had so many things to do and to see he smoked way less than before, a single cigarette was something he had no intention to give up on. What a beautiful coincidence if another beautiful girl had the same idea in that same moment it would’ve been, right? But it was quite possibly Koujaku’s day, and in the exact second he was leaving the restourant’s main room a young lady walked out from the door. He knew Noiz was waiting for him inside, it was just normal, but what could he do? Smoking and girls were his only vices. Thanks to Noiz, German wasn’t a complete strangeness to him, and he perfectly knew what girls liked the most: they all fell in the same traps.

–I’m sorry to bother you, but could I ask for a lighter?-, his tone was confident, he looked natural, females are _so_ into men who know the way they should act. –Sure, here you are.-, the girl smiled, and handed him her own lighter: it was a very girly one, it had kawaii patterns on it, it was almost a shame the fire it made was created to burn their lungs. –Thank you.-, he handed it back to her, with a reciprocated smile after he turned his cigarette on. –You don’t look European.-, she smiled, after she blew out a first cloud of smoke. –In fact, I’m not.-, he laughed, and the girl turned her head to him. –Are you?-, -Maybe. Who wants to know?-, -Oh, I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Koujaku.-. -Koujaku, uh? That’s a nice name.-, -Thank you.-.

They both seemed to have lost cognition of time, and after more than ten minutes they were still out talking. That girl was a bomb. She loved Japan and Asia in general, from what he got she was an huge fan of mangas and comics in general and she worked as a service-station attendant. She was pretty nice, and funny. And you know which is the most important thing to ask, right? Ask for their number, doesn’t it sound familiar to you? Well, that was just the question he was about to do. They were getting closer, he was feeling the situation completely under control. Their mouths were just a breath from eachother. But right in the heat of the moment, who decided to show up?

That german brat, of course.

With two hot coffee cardboard cups in his hands. -What a great way to smoke a cigarette.-, Noiz said, looking with his typical ice-cold eyes the blonde girl. That boy knew him well. Just looking at him, he could see he was so focused on that girl that he _completely_ forgot about him. Koujaku smiled, trying to warm up Noiz’s gaze: -We were talking.-, he said, as he put his cigarette back in his mouth. But the younger didn’t seem to have any kind of intention to soften his tone. The blonde girl was feeling a bit out of place, and she could feel the boy’s green eyes piercing her, so with a very hasty _see you around_ she disappeared. Koujaku was clearly upset from that situation, he hated it when his plans didn’t end up as he wanted them to, and he was trying so hard to hide his nuisance. –Oh, don’t be like this now.-, he said, pulling Noiz closer as he blew out a steady smoke breath. Noiz smelled that nicotine scent, maddening in his nostrills, and he swore there was nothing that he despised more than people blowing smoke in his face. With a firm gesture, he spilled one of the two coffe cardboards on Koujaku’s jacket, perfectly aware of how _fucking hot_ it was. The older recoiled, feeling a mixed feeling of anger and pain, as the burning coffe was wetting his shirt: -What the fuck are you doing?-, he blurted with a freezing gaze. Noiz shrugged, as he took a sip from his cupboard. He looked at the other with such a sightly nuisance it was almost embarassing. –Listen, I-, -No, shut up. Let’s go home.-.

They had never been so silent during a whole way home, not even when they were in Japan and barely talked to eachother. Noiz kept his arms crossed tightly, and everytime the other tried to get closer to him or just start a conversation, he shrugged and cut him off. Even if he was reclutant to admit it, Koujaku knew his mannerisms had gone way too far that time. Right in the moment they started to feel something that was completely opposite of hate for eachother, he decided to blow it all off, just to feel the chill of a girl completely infatuating for him once again. Was that something a grown-old man was supposed to do? Giving away something he deeply cared about for a second-long affection? He thought he knew better than that. When they came home, the atmosphere was colder than ever. Noiz seemed always angrier, and there wasn’t something _anyone_ on Earth could say to him to cheer him up. Not even Koujaku, of course. –Why are you so angry now?-, the older blurted, after a while they were sitting opposite eachother in the living room’s table. –I’m not angry.-, the other replied poutily, biting his nails nervously without looking in the man’s eyes. –Yes, you are.-, -No, I’m n-, -You are!-, -I’m not!-. Koujaku’s nerves were on the edge. Why did he have to be so childish all the time? –Listen, I don’t feel like wasting time with a brat like you.-, he said, standing up. –Oh, really? You know what, then?-. Noiz started walking heavily towards Koujaku’s bedroom, and hastily took all his luggage out of the door, thowing at him some other stuff he found around the room: -Look! You don’t have to waste time with me, you see?-. The big house’s door opened up, and the younger kicked out every suitcase the old man didn’t even undo. With an equally hasty gesture, Noiz grabbed Koujaku’s collar and threw him out the doorway, with wet eyes: -And now? Now, you see? Go back to your filthy-heartthrob life in Japan! Who cares about me, after all?-. He took a deep breath, feeling tears streaming down his cheeks, and continued with a softer tone. –I thought you were different from the man I despised so much.-. His expression changed again, his face tragically contracted in an angry grimace: -But I was wrong.-. Those words, sharper than knifes, hit Koujaku’s heart way harder than he’d expect them to. The thud the big door did when the blonde boy closed it in his face hit him almost as hard. It was about ten in the afternoon, it was dark and fucking cold, plus clouds seemed pretty dark and it was rainy and pretty foggy too.

“ _くたばれ_ ” was the only thing he was capable of thinking in that moment. He wasn’t sure he was angrier with himself or with the brat, at all. Maybe the thruth was, he wasn’t angry with anyone at all. He was just planly disappointed by himself, and he was sad and honestly pretty shocked by the young’s words. The only reason he had to be angry was that Germany’s weather was so fucking bad all the time and it was about to rain and he didn’t have an umbrella, or a sweater, or a person to hold. All he had was his stupid coffee-stained jacket and his heavy feeling of guilt in his chest. Fuck him and his stupid pride, he thought. Thankfully, Noiz’s house had an enormous garden and it was full of benches everywhere, so the first thing, as well as the smartest thing that crossed his mind was looking for some ugly sweater he had in his suitcase and use it as a blanket to warm himself up. It was freezing, God damnit, and he felt a drop of rain falling on his nose. Before he could find another sweater to use as an umbrella, it was already raining heavily. His jacket was wet, and his tshirt was all sticked to his skin: it was so uncomfortable, he fixed it quickly by changing his outfit completely. He still would’ve been happier with his red kimono on, but he needed time to wear it because it wasn’t easy at all wearing it under the rain. He chose something simpler, his usual skinny grey pants and a red sweater he found. He swore he was feeling so heavy. It wasn’t just because wet clothes were fucking heavy, it wasn’t just that. It wasn’t even the fact that he was using one of his favourite sweater to try to shelter from rain, or the fact that he was literally staying chrouched on a bench in the brat’s garden during a rainstorm. The thing that made him feel so heavy was the only thought of staying alone for the rest of the night, otside, in the cold. He knew he wouldn’t have been in that situation if he just didn’t let his womanizer side come out with that girl, no, he would’ve been in his soft, warm bed, next to the boy he felt he loved the most in his life, and they would’ve been laughing and talking until sunrise. He was really hating himself in that moment.

Noiz, instead, was laying in his bed listening to the rain pouring on the roof. He still wasn’t feeling way better than Koujaku, oh no. He felt he had been fooled, played around, by a person he was starting to love to deeply. He was angry, disappointed, all those mixed feelings were making his heart heavy. The boy sighed, and pulled his blanket up to his chin: it was cold, too cold staying alone wrapped in empty sheets in a bedroom that was too big for him. It looked like it was going to storm that night. With a deep sigh, he started thinking people was really as bad as he thought they were. He was old now, old enough to understand what was better for him. After all he experienced, he was pretty sure people just wasn’t a thing for him. Since the damned day when he was born, all people did to him was harm him, fool him, destroy him. What was the point in living like that? Believing that somehow, people will change and daydreaming that someone, one day, will love you really? He wasn’t too suprised Koujaku had all of those girls loving him. He had been surely convincing, what a lovely way to fool someone pretending to feel something for them, and then destroying all the love they faked right before their eyes. Yes, wow. Every woman loved that kind of man, right? Just thinking of that made him so nervous. He was really feeling something for Koujaku. That feeling, that weird feeling in the chest everybody talked about, those butterfly in his belly, that warmth in his throath and that inexplicable need to smile. Why, why did it have to be fake? He was almost sure the man was feeling something for him too. Was that a lie too?

Koujaku’s mind wasn’t less clouded up than Noiz’s. The best thing for them both was him to leave, yes. He wanted to go back to Jap- no, wait, better, it wasn’t like he _wanted to_ go back to his crappy life without the other, he felt like he _had to_. And that was what we was going to do, in that same moment. He tied his sweater’s sleeves around his neck, and started walking to the outside gate, just one thing on his mind: he had to reach the airport, ask for the first ticket they had and go back to Midorjima. After all, what he came in Germany to do was teaching Noiz how to live, and how to survive while feeling, and he thought he did that just fine. All soggy, he arrived to the airport, with tired eyes, a few money in his pocket and his heavy luggage. The first flight for Japan was at half past midnight, and it also was the cheapest flight he found, so that seemed just right. The sure thing was, not a single minute of his flight went away without thinking of the blonde boy that, as he was looking at the clouds out from his window, was sleeping quiet in his big bed. If he would’ve still be feeling regret towards him, if he would’ve gone back to the hate he felt for him before it all started, it was a thing he was probably never going to know. Noiz would’ve woken up the morning after, shrugged his shoulders, just forgetting all that happened with him. He still thought saying " _they just fucked_ " was wrong, it was different from that. If they loved eachother, that was a mistery, but he still was sure no woman in his life ever made his heart beat as fast as that skinny blonde brat.

The morning after, it was a disaster. When Noiz woke up, seeing that Koujaku was gone, he felt such emptiness and sadness he started crying, and closed himself up in his bedroom without saying a word for the whole day. For Koujaku, going back to Japan felt so depressing that for the first two days he did absolutely nothing but staring outise his window, wondering what the boy he hugged tight for so many nights was doing in that moment. In Germany, going to work wasn’t as meaningful as it was, and everytime he thought he actually produced power bars he couldn’t help but feeling sad remembering the way Koujaku laughed when they first talked about it; in Japan, even the prettiest woman who walked the front door of Koujaku’s shop wasn’t even remotely close to Noiz’s perfect, tired face. It was depressing for both going to sleep in their cold sheets, and even if Noiz hugged a pillow and Koujaku occasionally hugged a girl, they were both doing their best to turn them into the other’s body. Everything seemed too heavy to stand, but what could they do? “ _If he left, it meant he didn’t care about me_ ”, Noiz thought. “ _He won’t forgive me easily, he felt betrayed and he probaby hates me more than before_ ”, was what was crossing Koujaku’s mind. They both were at a dead end, there was nothing they could do.

Aoba swore he had an heart attack when, around four in the morning, his Coil started ringing on his night stand, scaring him so much he almost fell from his bed. –H… ello?-, he replied, interrupted by a giantic yawn. –It’s me.-. The boy frowned: he was too sleepy to actually recognize that voice. “Me”? Who was “me”? –Noiz…? Noiz!?-, -Yes, I… uhm.-, -Where are you? I didn’t hear of you in a while…-, -Yeah, I… I had to come to Germany for… a thing, yes.-. He seemed nervous, his voice wasn’t as clean as usual. He sounded like he just cried, he really seemed down. –You ok?-, Aoba asked, wrapping his quilt around his waist. –Yes, just… I need an opinion.-. –Sure, sure tell me!-, -Like… Have you ever been in love?-. The blue-haired boy laughed hearing that question: of course yes, he was _costantly_ in love. –Haha, yes! A lot of times, to be honest.-, -And… Did someone ever did bad something to you, and through it you still can’t forgive them?-. Aoba frowned, suprised by such a question from a person like him. –Well… Yes, of course. Love isn’t always easy, it already happened I felt hurt because of what people did to me, and I also know very well the feeling you’re talking about… But, why all these questions? Did you like…-, -I… I think I fell in love, for real.-, -Oh, but that’s great! And… Who’s the lucky one?-. Noiz’s voice hesitated, and after a deep sigh he said, almost embarassed, the last name Aoba ever expected to hear from him. –K… Koujaku.-. The older frowned, speechless. –Really?-. –Yeah…-, -And… What happened with him? I didn’t think you two liked eachother, you were always fighting like kids…-, -Yes, but it’s different now.-, -Oh… O… Ok, ok then.-, -Let’s say, we lived together for a while, and... But now, we fought, let’s say that, and he just left without a word. I don’t know what to think, and I hate to do this to you, but I had to call you, you know… I really need an hint right now.-, he stopped, and continued with a softer tone. –I don’t think I can go on like this, just wondering what it could’ve been if he was here now. I don’t even know if he still cares about me, I don’t even know if he ever did, honestly, and nothing kills me more than that. I don’t know if you can tell me something, or if you know something about it at all, just I had no idea who else I could talk with about something like this.-. Aoba smiled, and hugged his legs as he rested his head on his knees. He was really happy and also kinda honored Noiz felt like he could talk about something like that with him: yes, they had been friends for a long time, but he always had a few things he didn’t like to talk about. They were _love, weather_ and _fashion_. He always played him around for it, but now he really felt like he needed to talk to him, and even if it was four in the morning and he really wanted to sleep, he knew leaving him without any kind of answer would’ve been like killing him. –He hadn’t been around for days, to be honest.-, -R… Really?-, -Yeah. Since when he came back from a trip we know nothing about, he got outside even less than usual.-, -Even less?-, -Trust me! I didn’t see him going to work eighter.-, -That’s… bad.-, -Kinda. When I saw him, he looked pretty down…-, -Oh…-, -Yeah. I had a feeling something weird was going on, so I asked him.-, -Oh! I mean, oh… And, what did he… What did he say?-. Aoba smiled, and continued almost whispering: -He said he’s having heart troubles after a thing that happened…-, -Oh my God. You think…-, -Now that I know about you two, it has to be it!-. Noiz’s voice sounded normal again, wait, maybe a bit happier than usual. –Thank you Aoba, you’re a friend.-, and with those words he hung up his phone. Aoba sighed, and threw himself down on his bed. He noticed that, since when Koujaku came back around, something changed between them. Before, it was like Koujaku’s eyes were only able to look at him, it was like his world only revolved around him. But from a while, it wasn’t the same, and he always seemed overthinking and didn’t seem to enjoy the time they spent together as he used to. When they finally talked about his weird behaviour, when he heard him saying it was about “heart trouble”, he thought it was about oneof his (many) one-night stands which took his heart away more than he thought it would’ve. But then, Noiz came in, saying they loved eachother for a few nights and everything made sense again. It wasn’t like he was feelinng bad, or he was jealous. A part of him was happy it was about Noiz, because Koujaku was kinda weak when it came to love and literally anybody could’ve made him lose his head. But one side of him knew it was going to change everything between them, and he was afraid it wasn’t going to be the same thing anymore. With an heavy sigh, he closed his eyes and tried falling asleep, thinking that it was going to be ok as long as he wanted it to.

Was it morning already? Yes, it was. And it was the eleventh sleepless night he had since when he came back to Japan, eleven days before. Koujaku’s life had become a mess, since when he got back to Midorjima: all he ever did was thinking about Noiz, and about how he left and didn’t hear of eachother since then. It was killing him not seeing that gentle face in the morning, not being able to hear his voice or just touch his hands. He decided, he couldn’t do anything but swallow his pride and go back to Germany, to say that _i’m sorry_ that was burning his chest. It took him less than usual to get ready: he wore something quick and fixed approximately his hair, and threw himself out in the street towards the airport. He wasn’t going to take shit from nobody that day. It was sunny, but it was kinda cold: he just hoped Germany was hotter than that. After something like thirteen hours straight of plane ride, he was finally in Berlin. He was so tired, he was staggering and he drunk something like two liters of coffee in less than a day. He felt like that day wasn’t going to be his lucky day, also because it was raining again and all he brought was the ugly tight tshirt he was wearing and a crappy bouquet he bought for less than five euros. It took him a while to just arrive in front of Noiz’s house, he almost forgot the way he had to walk to reach it, and when he arrived at the gates he felt himself getting always more nervous. But when he asked for Noiz at the maid at the front door and she told him that he just left for the airport, because he had to fly to _someone_ he swore he could’ve been dying. His legs started running faster than he thought they could: he ran all the way to the airport, and that was just when he saw him.

Noiz was standing there, dragging his luggage that seemed so heavy it could’ve broke his arms, all wrapped up in a giant scarf. Koujaku was almost afraid when he called his name first, he wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to do. But he called him again, and when he turned his head to him he felt his heart flattering. At first, his eyes were cold, and looked at him with something similiar to despise. But he saw it change the moment his fingers softened their grip to his suitcase’s handle. On his face, a kind smile appeared, and as all his luggage fell on the floor he started walking towards him. He stopped a few inches away from the older, and sighed, leaning his head a bit on the side. –Seems like you came back after all. You liked German girls too much to stay in Japan for another while?-, in his voice there was almost a playful tone, which surely softened the tension between them. Koujaku smiled, and looked down at the ground: -I couldn’t stay without you.-. Noiz’s cold hands soon reached the older’s: -The same goes for me, you know. Without nobody I could tease all day, it was such a bore.-. Koujaku laughed: no other explanation was needed, he knew the thruth. They became an only thing, they weren’t able to stay alone without the other no more. With an almost shy movement, Noiz’s head closened to Koujaku’s, and lovely rubbed his nose against his cheek. –I missed you.-. Their lips brushed tenderly, as their fingers interwined. Around them, people kept on walking, everyone looked angry, a lot of people started running, in an hurry to catch their flight, but they were so far away from all that confusion. It was like they were living in a different dimension, everything seemed a slow motion movie around them.

-Hey, old man, my flight is in a couple of minutes. What about going back together?-, -You mean going back to Midorjima? Now?-, -Why not? Come, follow me.-, -But I just arrived here, I didn’t even have time to-, -Shut your mouth, how are you so talkative today? Hurry up, we’re losing time.-.

They pretty much chatted the whole time on the plane. Koujaku was almost getting used to Germany’s jet lag, and he knew by memory Europe’s skies as he could see them from the small window next to his seat. They were flying from almost five hours, and that was just when Noiz’s hands started looking for the older's in the seat next to him: when their fingers touched, the younger seemed to smile, and rested his head on the other’s shoulder. Without any word, Koujaku was finally sure they got through their misunderstandings, and they were finally in peace again. When they arrived in Midorjima, it was dark, and cold. It was almost Christmas, they were just a week away from the 25th, and there were lights everywhere: every building was really flashy, and there was a lot of people around. They exit the airport hand in hand, still talking and laughing. They almost didn’t realize in a couple of minutes they were in front of Koujaku’s house.

-I guess we’re going to come back to what we were before this all begun.-, Noiz said, with a sad tone in his voice as he put his hands in his coat’s pockets. –I guess we have to, if we don’t want our teams to suspect something.-. The younger shrugged, and sighed deeply. –It’s late, you’re tired, it’s better if you go to sleep now.-, Koujaku said, smiling lightly. He swore he really would’ve wanted Noiz to stay with him, but he also knew they had to forgot their feelings if they wanted to keep their reputations as clean as they could. The blonde boy frowned, and after smiling back turned, as he started walking towards his own apartment. He couldn’t deny an heavy sensation in his chest. He swore he hated to admit that he just _really_ wanted to spend another night with that man, sleeping next to him in a warm hug like they were used to do. Instead, he had to go home now, be strong now, forget that he could ever be happy with the man he loved now. He could feel now, but did it made any sense if he had to give up the only reason why he really wanted to live?

-Noiz, wait!-. Koujaku called him, and the younger turned his head to him, showing teary eyes under the streetlights. The man walked to him, and he swore he felt his hands started shaking. –There is something I need to tell you, before you go.-, the older said, looking down at him. Noiz kept silent, as his fingers interlocked shyly with the other’s, just waiting to hear him say those words he so wanted to hear. –I…-, he started, but stopped. The younger looked at him, trying as hard as he could to hide his nervousness. What if what he was going to say wasn’t what he was waiting for him to? What if all that time hoping to hear those three words meant nothing?

-The point is, I didn’t think I deserved anything before this all started. I thought there wasn’t a chance for me to really love someone, and to be loved back just as much. But you, you made me understand that something called “ _love_ ” really exists, and that you can feel whole with someone even if they’re completely different from you. What I’m trying to say, is…-, Koujaku stopped, as a small snowflake fell on Noiz’s cheek, and smiled. –Shit, it’s cold.-, the younger muttered, looking up at the sky that was filling with white dots. He didn’t know it could snow in Midorjima, he never saw its skies so dark and its streets covering in white.

– _Ich liebe dich._ -.

In the moment he heard those words, Noiz felt his heart flattering. Their eyes met, as snow started covering their hair, and Koujaku felt the other’s fingers holding his hands even tighter. –Do you… You really do?-. The man smiled, and put his hands around the younger’s waist. –I do.-. Their lips touched, as they hugged tight, surrounded by the white noise of snow falling. Noiz felt something inexplicapable in his chest. It was like it all made more sense now, he was really feeling someone for the first time. The feeling he had when they kissed was something peerless: Koujaku’s lips were soft, and the way they moved when he pressed them against his was absolutely flawless. He loved those big hands around his waist, pulling him slowly against his chest, and he loved the sweetness of every movement he did.

- _Ich liebe dich auch, scheiße_.-.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I did it!  
> Finally it's done hahaaa  
> I really hope you liked it! I'm sorry my writing it's not the best but I will do my best to improve!  
> Don't forget to leave a kudo if you iked it! Thank you for reading! ;v;

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the end of the first charapter! I hope it's not too messy eeeeh
> 
> What is going to happen next?  
> Koujaku isn't good with German and Noiz isn't good at keeping his feelings under control. Are they going to find a way to go along, or are their personalities going to crash?
> 
> Don't forget to leave a kudo if you liked it!  
> And remember to write me a message on Tumblr! Your support is important for me!  
> http://i-sabellas.tumblr.com


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